Fear is the beginning of love,

and you, darling, positively frighten me.

Porcelain Maturity

10/22/10

2:30am

So tear me down just one more time,

I promise you that I will be fine.

Smile in my direction laugh lines around your eyes,

I know what you think, I know your lies.

Build me up and offer me friendship,

Well then, let me offer you this tip.

Don’t fuck with me cause I’m the best,

It’s no lie, I’m worse than the witch of the west,

Cause when it’s all said and done,

I still have friends while you’ve none.

Truth be told, I push people away,

But not with lies, deceit and decay

I only push away because of people like you,

Who let me down and do the things you do,

People like you make me see the things in people I hate

You make me feel like I’m nothing but I’m not taking the bait

Not this time and not ever again you see,

It’s because of people like you that I’m more able to be

Me.
-CateAnne

Girl Overboard

Girl Overboard

9/18/2010

You were my muse – my enchantress divine,

But now you opted to leave from my side.

Words in my mind toss over another,

You were my blanket, my warmth, my cover.

You girl and me girl, my girl and gone girl –

I thought you were everything – all my world.

This isn’t my world. This isn’t our world.

Fill my emptiness with more of your lies,

This is why I’ve said my hollow goodbyes.

Knock, knock and knocked, I had knocked at your door.

Ring rang and run, I had rang your doorbell.

Nobody was home – nobody was there.

You’re not there yet, but someday you will be.

But you would never tell – when? “We will see.”

“Wait – no wait – do not wait around for me.”

There’s so much more for me to see, taste and to live!

Come now – no go now – push now – no pull now.

You have nothing to take – nothing to give.

Yet you’ll always have the key to my heart:

My first true love is a girl lost at sea.

-CateAnne

African Drum

I clutch my necklace because it’s close to my heart.

It’s an excuse to hold my hand there, to hold my chest together.

My breathing becomes irregular; I can’t explain the rhythm it’s taking on.

My chest feels like it could explode and I just keep clutching my necklace

Until my fingers go numb and my sternum feels fractured.

My muscles tense and release, they tense and release over and over again.

My heart beats on like an African drum and I can feel it in my veins—

I can feel you in my veins.

This disembodied feeling spreads like a wildfire through my blood

And it thickens like slow moving molasses.

I don’t understand, though.

I feel like my blood is on fire, but yet I feel cold and distanced.

I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing.

 Deep breaths in, hold for three painfully long seconds, slowly exhale, repeat, repeat, and repeat.

My eyes, so weary, fall back into my mind

Where visions of green pastures, sundresses and dandelion wishes exist.

I swear I never want to wake from this dream where everything is wonderful and I feel so alive.

One whisper from your lips reassures my blessed existence that the world is okay and everything isn’t a dream.

Every sensation, every dandelion wish is real.

I open my eyes and expect to see the same dark room I always find myself in,

But I open my eyes and see your beautiful, peaceful face pressed up against your pillow.

You’re off in a dream somewhere and I wish I could be there with you,

But being here with you is more than my imagination could ever conjure.

Reaching out with my hand I reassure myself that I’m not dreaming;

I press the back of my hand on your cheek and feel warm skin, your blood flowing beneath my hand.

Oh blessed reality, when did you become more enchanting than my dreams?

Will dreams never satisfy my hungry soul again?

-CateAnne

Katherine

August 12, 2010

1:00 am

Oftentimes, late at night, when I can’t sleep, I think of you. Sometimes, I think of the good moments we’ve shared and sometimes I look back on the things that didn’t go so smoothly. And then, there are times when my thoughts wander and I ponder the things yet to come such as plans we have for tomorrow, things we’re going to do this weekend or next week. And then, I let go of my mind and imagine. Many times I imagine beautiful things that could occur. We have a home together and we’ve come home from work, and collapse on the couch with some drinks to unwind from our hectic day. You always have your beer, and I a glass of wine. We just sit there, together, curled up and talk about the stupid things that happened at work, something idiotic a coworker said, the way a situation was handled well. Sometimes I think of us years down the road raising a child together. Things such as these give me hope and something to aspire to. But then there are the times when I imagine things I don’t like. Things like, you decided that I’m too young for you and you need to date someone older. Or that you’re still in love with Jen and I’ll never be her. Or that you can’t be tied down to New Hampshire any more than you already are. Or even that you’re just not able to be in a relationship. And really, the thought of you not being with me sends me into a panic.

I know it’s early yet to say these things to you, which is why I have bitten my tongue; I don’t want to scare you off. Sometimes I feel as though I am not good enough, as though I don’t offer you the most that you deserve. Maybe I am foolish and think too little of myself. I know that I don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. True, I’ll be loyal and honest, but that isn’t everything. I wish it were enough, because that’s all I know how to do. I don’t know how to take away your pain. I don’t know how to make you feel better when you’re feeling sad. All I know is that I’m scared all the time. I’m scared you’ll find that I’m not good enough, or not what you’re looking for. I’ve never been so scared for myself in all my life. Maybe I’m waking up to the reality that I’m not invincible, or maybe you just inspire me to feel these emotions that I’ve buried for all these years. You told me that you didn’t remember how to feel emotion, that you had buried that part of yourself. I know what that feels like because I’ve been numb for so long. I think today I fully realized how numb I’ve been all these years. I’ve been tossing in a sea of blank emotions because it’s easier to not feel anything. I had stopped caring what happened to me or where I ended up. Today, you tentatively canceled plans for tomorrow and I was scared that you canceled only because you just don’t want to see me. I haven’t seen you since Saturday and now it’s Thursday. One would think that a few days apart never hurt someone, but I’m in pain. It isn’t sad pain, or physical pain. It’s fearful pain. Is she tired of me? Is she still mad or upset with me for yelling the other night? Oh, God, does she hate me?

I’m scared of falling in love with you, again, because I do remember the emotions I felt those few years ago when I fell in love with you. I remember the despair I felt when I allowed myself to feel love, which is to feel pain. I know myself too well, and I know that I become bored easily, but Katie, you keep me guessing every day if I am good enough or if I can be better. When I told you I like the “push and pull” of our relationship, I meant it, because I didn’t respect my partners in my past who pulled the entire time and only spoke wonders about me. It was all fallacious. You aren’t fake and you don’t make me feel fake either. I’ve never felt more real in all my life.  Te adoro, mi novia bonita.
-CateAnne

All things Private and Creative

This blog is dedicated to things I write in a more elevated manner than just regular blogging. Anything I deem to be inspiring, moving, creative or artistic belongs in this blog. This is more of a note to myself than anything else.