Katherine

August 12, 2010

1:00 am

Oftentimes, late at night, when I can’t sleep, I think of you. Sometimes, I think of the good moments we’ve shared and sometimes I look back on the things that didn’t go so smoothly. And then, there are times when my thoughts wander and I ponder the things yet to come such as plans we have for tomorrow, things we’re going to do this weekend or next week. And then, I let go of my mind and imagine. Many times I imagine beautiful things that could occur. We have a home together and we’ve come home from work, and collapse on the couch with some drinks to unwind from our hectic day. You always have your beer, and I a glass of wine. We just sit there, together, curled up and talk about the stupid things that happened at work, something idiotic a coworker said, the way a situation was handled well. Sometimes I think of us years down the road raising a child together. Things such as these give me hope and something to aspire to. But then there are the times when I imagine things I don’t like. Things like, you decided that I’m too young for you and you need to date someone older. Or that you’re still in love with Jen and I’ll never be her. Or that you can’t be tied down to New Hampshire any more than you already are. Or even that you’re just not able to be in a relationship. And really, the thought of you not being with me sends me into a panic.

I know it’s early yet to say these things to you, which is why I have bitten my tongue; I don’t want to scare you off. Sometimes I feel as though I am not good enough, as though I don’t offer you the most that you deserve. Maybe I am foolish and think too little of myself. I know that I don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. True, I’ll be loyal and honest, but that isn’t everything. I wish it were enough, because that’s all I know how to do. I don’t know how to take away your pain. I don’t know how to make you feel better when you’re feeling sad. All I know is that I’m scared all the time. I’m scared you’ll find that I’m not good enough, or not what you’re looking for. I’ve never been so scared for myself in all my life. Maybe I’m waking up to the reality that I’m not invincible, or maybe you just inspire me to feel these emotions that I’ve buried for all these years. You told me that you didn’t remember how to feel emotion, that you had buried that part of yourself. I know what that feels like because I’ve been numb for so long. I think today I fully realized how numb I’ve been all these years. I’ve been tossing in a sea of blank emotions because it’s easier to not feel anything. I had stopped caring what happened to me or where I ended up. Today, you tentatively canceled plans for tomorrow and I was scared that you canceled only because you just don’t want to see me. I haven’t seen you since Saturday and now it’s Thursday. One would think that a few days apart never hurt someone, but I’m in pain. It isn’t sad pain, or physical pain. It’s fearful pain. Is she tired of me? Is she still mad or upset with me for yelling the other night? Oh, God, does she hate me?

I’m scared of falling in love with you, again, because I do remember the emotions I felt those few years ago when I fell in love with you. I remember the despair I felt when I allowed myself to feel love, which is to feel pain. I know myself too well, and I know that I become bored easily, but Katie, you keep me guessing every day if I am good enough or if I can be better. When I told you I like the “push and pull” of our relationship, I meant it, because I didn’t respect my partners in my past who pulled the entire time and only spoke wonders about me. It was all fallacious. You aren’t fake and you don’t make me feel fake either. I’ve never felt more real in all my life.  Te adoro, mi novia bonita.
-CateAnne